Healing is an amazing thing. It’s what we all think we want, right? To be relieved of our maladies, sicknesses, sadness and discomfort. To be healthy, to be free to create with less self-consciousness.
What I’m realizing is healing doesn’t necessarily mean relief from all of these things. It does bring attention to the feelings and experiences that are best to let go of though. In order to let go of them, we need to process them first and let them move through us, so we feel the effects of them and are ready for more healing. But it can be painful, so sometimes it’s easier to continue holding on instead of feeling the pain of letting go.
When a physical wound is healing, the bloody goriness of it eases and makes a scab, then that disappears and turns into a scar. It’s still there, but in a different form. It’s no longer a wound, it’s a mark. Eventually lots of scars disappear completely, but some stay around forever.
As my system heals from all the years of abuse (toxic eating/drinking and exposure to chemicals), I find I have less tolerance for shitty food and drink. For example, I can’t eat some crappy cookie full of hydrogenated fat without feeling really sick afterwards. And sometimes it’ll cause me to catch a cold! My body says, “I don’t think so, you can’t treat me like this anymore!” and doesn’t let me go back to my old ways.
Same thing with emotional wounds: when I start ruminating and reminiscing in a destructive way, my brain gets fuzzy and it’s hard for me to think clearly. It’s a reminder of where I’m at: here. The present. Here and now. This time, not that other time I’m dwelling on.
I’m forced to confront my ‘issues’ and transform them, so I can no longer use them as an excuse for hiding out or being a jerk. Anger and pain are not my creative fuel anymore–joy and love are.
The more I let go of, the more I heal, the more I can be present. Also, oddly enough, the more I heal inside and out, the less I can do with my skin.
Yes you read me right, I can’t do as much with my skin. Since I’m taking such good care of myself these days (drinking tons of water, breathing deeply, exercising, eating well, being present, meditating) my dermatographia is disappearing. I can’t make crazy drawings on my skin like I used to be able to! My ability to make art with this medium is fading with my condition. An interesting side effect of healing.
Some people would kill to get rid of their dermatographia, but I want to keep mine. It inspires me and makes me unique, I can make cool art with it.
But, given a choice, I’ll take the healing version of my skin over the static one. It pushes me to make new things in new ways, finding other mediums in line with the dermatographia drawings–just… different.
I’ll also take the current, evolving version of me over the one who’s lost in thought and not feeling very good. I bid adieu to the version that is toxic, anxious, wounded and avoiding being present.
Here I am, ready to face myself as a whole human being: scarred creator with less and less raw wounds inside.
What about you? How does healing affect your creativity? What does healing mean to you?
Thanks for reading! And keep on creating healing ;=)